I have decided that I am completely content with the situation as it is. I just understand that although I may not ever be "in a relationship" with you, I still want you to be an important part of my life. I mean you still are, aren't you? We still talk and it feels as if nothing has changed....

I want to be really good friends and be able to talk to you and vice versa. I really value your friendship and although I sometimes would like it to be more than that, if the Lord does not will it, I want to follow His plan for my life...

With that said, I will get back to doing nothing i guess.

Tomorrow I am going to go to the store to get ingredients for my homemade salsa and possibly get sparkling grape juice.

Whether I have to work or not, tomorrow night is going to be GREAT!!!!

:D

Old people make me mad sometimes.

Old people that need to retire really irk me! If you can't remember something so simple, then stop working!!!!! Oh and it really irritates me when people specifically ask you a question and then they don't even listen to the answer. It would have been better to NOT ask the question to begin with!! URG!

Ok, so now that my rant is over.....

I  am also a bit irked that I am going to have to work Friday night. I am hoping that it will only be until 7 or so. I mean it's not that big of a deal and I knew there was a possiblilty I would have to work, but it is irritating that no one finds it to be important or pressing. You know people, I have a life!!!!!

Ok so maybe my ranting wasn't over....

anyway, I am now going to tell you of the grand deals I got while in Branson with Karasyn. I only have a couple of pictures, but I will upload them as I get them. :)

1) The first bargain I found was some jewelry at PacSun. I got a really cool necklace and then everything in their store was buy one get one 75% off!! So I got some really cute bobby pins!!!

2) My second bargain was at Old Navy, if I remember correctly...

I got two really cute water bottles, one for my cousin and one for me. They were only THREE dollars!!! I only took a picture of the one for me though :)

Also at Old NAvy I found a really cute butterfly dress!! And the straps were a little long so I sewed them up!!!! It was like my third sewing project and I did it all by myself!!! I am very excited to wear it to church Sunday night!

3) The third good bargain I got was at Victoria's Secret. It was a gift set of five different body sprays. It was on sale for 40% off!

4) The last one I can think of is my ten dollar purse from Charlotte Russe. It was originally 32.50 and on sale for 10 bucks!! It has a lot of pockets too!!!! It's super cute!

Well, I had a great time while in Branson and found many a bargain and I am excited for the new year.

:)

And Karasyn, I don't find it annoying when you talk about Tyler. He is a really amazing person and I am so glad you found him! I won't say that I'm not jealous sometimes, but I am completely happy for you. And I consider him a great friend too! :) I can't wait to help you plan your wedding!!!! (If you let me, that is lol)

BEST DAY EVER!!!

I now feel like I am an adult!!! Karasyn and I went to Branson for two days......all. by. ourselves. Yes, that's right!! By ourselves!!! It was so much fun!!!!!!! I had the most amazing time of my life and I feel completely refreshed.

Back in like September or October we said we were going to, and I am completely surprised we stayed with it! But it was seriously the best two days of my life! And Friday night is going to rock. By the way, my mom was really happy you guys asked her to come too! I am glad, because last year was really depressing for her....

Anyway, I will tlak about my bargain purchases later. For now, some Wii and Days of Our Lives. :)

I just wanted to check in and let you know, for anyone out there that you are awesome and i like you!!!

:D Happy December 28th!!!!

finally

i have everything for christmas bought. i have one lat minute thing i need to find, but other than that, i am good to go. i just need to finish making some of it. :/

so this book I'm reading is really awesome. thank you karasyn for suggesting it to me :) it has opened my mind to a really neat perspective of myself. anyway, i am super excited for tomorrow. i mean, who isn't? sunday i may need to do some last minute things, and i hope i can leave work early.

tonight: christmas eve service at antioch and our tradition of eating at ziggie's afterward. then to come home and finish our christmas eve ritual of reading 'Twas the Night Before Christmas and The Christmas Story. And then to bed. And wait for Santa to come!!! :)

well, i need to go finish up making some gifts. Merry Christmas everyone!!!!!

despite the raging mood swings, I am feeling quite happy today. I really like my new boss. Yesterday he asked me if I wanted to work today because I am not working on Christmas Eve just to make up some hours. That made my day! I was going to be all by myself anyway, so why not? Anyway today I got some pretty fresh flowers and a cool tote bag from a nice lady at work and from my boss a candle and chocolate!!! YAY! I really love my job. I do! It's so easy and even the work isn't hard.

My Christmas is going to rock!

I am also reading a great book that Karasyn recommended to me. The title is Captivating. I am excited to read it, I think it will be very good for me.

Well, I have to do some laundry and get ready for tonight. Singing to the old people!!

Why is it I always fall for the guy who is in to astronomy?

you wretched fool!!!

i can't believe you have already said that to her!!!! You guys are like 12!!!! Well, not really but practically!!

it is never going to last. you don't talk. you don't see each other. i mean good grief you can't even drive.

i'm not sure i can handle a whole lot more. i don't even feel like i can talk to you anymore. like its against the law now. thats why i was afraid about the other day, but that was really fun. now i can't stop thinking about what it meant to you and how it meant somethings else to me. i can't handle this anymore. maybe i should be honest, but look where that got me last time. absolutely nowhere.

im done. i can't even look at you anymore. i thought i could handle it, but i can't. i absolutely hate the thought of you with her.


i'm sorry. i want nothing more in the world, than for you to be happy, but i don't have to watch you be happy with her. i will walk away, and pretend nothing ever happened. that i never knew you. the end.

why is it that i feel so much like hope brady?

Tonight was good for me.

I think i'm finally ok with this. i am so ready for friday. last final. last day of school. first evening of break. i am so ready.

today is the first day i stop regretting anything. i cant necessarily say that i am happy about things, but i am not mad or upset anymore. i am indifferent. not in denial. just dont care. i dont care. you do what you want with your life, its not up to me. im cool with whatever. i have chosen my path. im going to be in school for like ever and you are a disfreakintraction. i dont need you. wait. i take that back. i do need you, i just dont need us to be together or anything. i want to be friends and i have accepted it as that. that is all. i have decided thats best.

maybe thats my deal. it a control issue? nah! lol well, i am really excited for friday and i cant wait for my final to be over!!!! and i cant wait to get my dress and for the party! its going to be a blast!!! :) VERY EXCITED!!!!! Oh and did i mention i don't have to work friday?!?!?!?! :D I'm pretty happy today!!!!

i am excited again.

i have moved on from sad, depressed, mad, angry, hurt, accepting, denying, joking, forgiving, and now back to excited.

welcome to the rollercoaster that is brianna's emotions. bet you didn't even know ;)


chem final tomorrow, better study.

i went a whole day without logging into facebook or blogger!!

I was really busy at work yesterday. Fortunately it meant that I got a lot done and was not distracted by the internet. Unfortunately though I did not progress on any of my homework, but today i have nothing!!!! I don't have to go to school, or work, or church, or ANYWHERE!!! I have the entire day to finish homework, studying, laundry, and finishing up some more Christmas things!! :) I am really happy today. I have decided that this is going to be a really happy week :D I am going tomorrow to get my hair cut and colored and i'm a bit nervous but very excited for a change. I hope it turns out good. So i am half way done with two papers and now i only have to finish them and study for chemistry and spanish and my semester is DONE! And then the party, which I have decided is going to be a joyous occasion because i work with really funny and nice people, and my favorite grandparents will be there. Also, today there will be a new episode of HAWAII FIVE-O!!! I love that show!!!! Steve McGarret is a HOTTIE!!  :)


And in a little bit my mom and i are going to finish up a little bit christmas shopping and hopefully we can go to lunch or something. This morning I took my little brother to get breakfast and to school so he didn'thave to ride the bus with his wretched bus driver lol and i have already started my laundry so i am good to go! So now I must leave you and finish up some paper writing while listening to my christmas pandora station!

Happy finals week everybody!!! :)

i miss my friends :(

if you like me check yes, if you don't i'll die

makes me think of sophomore year. my first job at the greenhouse. driving. first year in band. only year in choir. first year in sys. it was a year for firsts. i don't know what brought that up, but sometimes i just can't remember a lot of things from school and it makes me think i have memory issues. hmm...

oh well. i only have a small amount of time left. i am so ready to go home. being alone today was not fun. not in the mood i'm in. i need something to cheer me up. i have been thinking about the new year. what's my resolution going to be? i don't know. i kind of did a new month resolution at the beginning of december. i gave up soda and have been soda free for 10 days now. i didn't crave a soda until today, but i didn't give in. i didn't realize how often i drink soda. it's pretty bad. oh well, another resolution would be to focus on growing in faith. well, i better get off here and clean the bathroom (ICK!) and lock up.


I'm listening to: I Get A Kick Out of You by Frank Sinatra <3

i hope

that i am right...

so i will be looking for an escape tonight. although i will be at work, i think that homework will be the only thing that will get me away from this sad, sad day. it's kind of funny really in a depressing way. i will just be so happy to get this semester out of my way. i thought this way going to be a changing point in my life. college was a new start. well, in some ways it was. some, it wasn't. i am so impatient i'm not sure if this medical school thing is going to work. i'm not sure i can wait 11 years. at least not here. i think i need to get away. just by myself. like finding myself.

i was going to go to medical school in Columbia, but now I think I might apply at some obscure places like New York or maybe Colorado. Colorado is pretty. I just feel so blocked in. I can't escape. I want to be able to have my own place and clean it when i want, or skip dinner when i want and not have my family around me every second. I want to find my place in the world.

as much as i hate the concept of being a career woman, i am pretty sure that's all i have right now. i guess i better just focus on school. goodbye social life after christmas. i gotta crack down and do my best. i don't think anyone would want a slacker performing eye surgery on them, so i guess i will stop slacking now.

thank you, and goodnight. yeah right.

i am going to be happy and i'm going to like it!!!! :D see. i'm happy. what? you don't believe me. well, don't worry about it cause i can take care of myself and i'm done for now. i promise i won't bring it up again.

so today is going to be an easy day. all we are doing in spanish is reviewing for our final and the same in chemistry. we're just watching presentations in alpha and then lunch with kelsey and josh for the last time
:( looking back, this semester has been pretty close to amazing. i haven't had too many problems in school, i have met a ton of really cool people, and i have learned who my true friends are. you know the ones who actually talk to me and want to hang out and care about me. also, i joined some cool groups like orchestra and commuter student organization. i have gotten good grades and i liked most of my professors. i have learned a lot and i am not letting one little thing bring me down, cause i truly believe that my epiphany was true. it was preparing me for this. sometimes we don't know what's going to happen tomorrow, so we better enjoy every minute of today. sounds like a plan to me. :)


another small coincidence was that i started giving violin lessons to this girl from reed last week. no that's not the coincidence, just listen. well, my mom was home this week during the lesson and she was like, "i know them!!" this little girl's grandma brings her. her grandma was this guy's mother who was best friends with my aunt. and totally knew him!! and so it was this girl's uncle and apparently my mom had met her before!! it was funny cause it's such a small world.

so i had another dream about my stupid dress!!! this time it wasn't hideous like the last time. last time it had big poofy sleeves and a bunch of extra ugly things. this time instead of a bunch being added to it, it was ttaken away. she had made it this really skimpy dress with a low neck line and stuff. i don't know why i keep having that dream, but it's just getting wierd now. then, while i was at school i had to go to the bathroom and the entire bathroom, the floor and everything was tilted at a 45 degree angle. it was so wierd!!!!! i couldn't even walk in!!!! my mind is such a wierd place LOL :)

well,  I guess i will get ready to go to school. work tonight. i will write those papers then, and i will probably post some more here cause it's all that keeps me sane lol ;)

actually i really love my job. i know i make a lot of jokes about it, but i do have a good job. it's a  job where i can actually make a difference. i'm not saying that other people don't, but i feel like i can make more of a difference there than if i worked, say at mcdonalds. i love the people i work with. they are great. i like working with people in general. the visitation we had the other night made me realize this. i can make a REALLY hard time in their life just a little bit easier and give them a keepsake of their loved ones that will last forever. the other night we had a visitation for this guy who was younger than me and his grandma came up to me and said that the people who answer the phones just have the sweetest voices and that really made a difference. it was super sweet and made me realize that the smallest little detail can make a difference in their day, and that i need to be more observant like that. i really feel like my job is a service to others and that i canmake a difference.

well, now that ihave killed about half an hour, i guess i will go get ready :)

thank you to everyone who reads this! :)
i appreciate you! <3

i'm so sick of my life at this point.

it's too soon to be excited about my career. i have no life. my life consists of school and working. my freakin' weekends belong to greenlawn. the one day i have off is now ruined. completely. i hope we do have something cause i don't even want to go now. this happens every dang year. i have been trying so hard to grow in my relationship with god and it seems to be getting me nowhere, farther even.


i feel like i have no place in this world. sometimes i just wonder where i'm going in life. obviously my plans aren't working out. i just wish that for once, someone would initiate this. i always do for others. i am thoughtful and caring. i'm not saying that nobody is, i just wish some people were a little more observant. i feel totally alone in this and i can't talk to anyone about it but my own mother who doesn't exactly know how i feel.

just when i thought i was doing fine. i have been praying about it a freaking lot and just about feeling good about myself when BAM! Sad thing is i saw it coming. stupid me. don't ever get your hopes up. it hurts that much more to fall. so my self esteem just fell through the floor. all time low. guess the thing that feels so bad is that it was a little far fetched. i am mad at myself as much as im mad at you. i want so bad to be able to talk to someone about this, but i just can't.

just stop. don't talk to me. just makes it even worse, yet you don't even know, now do you? nobody does, cause nobody cares. ugh! like i said, i am sick of this. i have literally made myself sick about this all night. i couldn't even eat. i feel like i am going to throw up and i am shaking, although it may just be cause my room is really cold. well, thanks for everything, but no thanks. i hate this day. i hate myself. i hate you. despicable feelings. GO AWAY!!!! thursdays need to stop sucking!

doing things...

my day has been pretty darn good! :D I had to be at school at 12 for my chemistry lab final. I feel really good about it!!! And LAB IS OVER!!!!!!!! that's the best part! then Devin and I ate lunch at the commons cause she has like 27 meals to eat in 6 days so she covered mine :)

afterward, i met karasyn at Red Velvet and we had a lovely cupcake date :) I am so thankful for our friendship! Also, we have outlined our plans for our vacation excursion!!!!!! I can't wait for 10 o clock next friday!!!!!!

This just in: hmmmm....stratch that.

well, i could have seen that coming. i'm sorry. i always do that to myself. God, I know you have this all planned out but sometimes it just seems like i'm the one getting the raw end of all these deals. i'm so entirely sorry for not trusting you... I'm leaving it in your hands now. I can't do anyting else. It just seems to fall apart. I give up. It's all yours.

the worst part is i can't talk to anyone about it. well, i can, but i just feel like i'm gossiping even though i'm not. i'm such a hopeless wreck.

epiphany

so i have just thought of this. incredibly insightful. this is the solution: if you just keep doing what you are doing, it will work out. deligence is the answer, here. not some super one time, blow-your-socks-off kind of deal. i also think enjoying everyday is what needs to be done. like brother eddie said sunday night, don't live in the past or the future. live in the present. thank god for what he has given you today. he will take care of your tomorrow. i think it's in matthew that the bible says not to worry about what you will wear or eat, because God takes care of the animals and the flowers, and aren't the flowers clothed beautifully? well, there you have it. enjoy today, without thinking of what your future is going to be or worrying about what you life will be like if this happened or that.

i really struggle with that. i am always thinking about what will happen instead of the wonderfully amazing things right in front of me :D i'm not saying it's bad to be excited for things, but enjoy every minute leading up to it as well. thank you, Lord, for every amazing thing you have given me. :)

so that is the solution. don't change what you are doing. just trust the Lord and it will all work out :)


*oh and i like the title of this post because it is a song in sweeney todd, having absolutely no connection with the topic of this post, but yet being relevant lol :) i'm such a wierd-o

"you are cute, and funny. you make me laugh. you are sweet and you dress nice. i can't stop thinking about you. ever since church i can't get you out of my mind."


LOFL (laugh out freakin' loud!!) there are two versions to this story, but this one is funnier. i am not going to put it on here cause it's about my brother and he's not even supposed to know i know... and i think it would be mean to put it out there for the internet world... trust me though, it's funny and ironic. :)

anyway, now that you are thoroughly confused, i will leave you with this...

i am thinking...

about cutting my hair short. it would be more manageable. maybe i will do it for the christmas party....?

any suggestions?

steady now.

so i have been pretty steady about this blogging thing. i don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. i am so excited for the next week to be over. all i have are two finals after that! :D i have to give a presentation in alpha monday about how public libraries epitomize american culture. and then wednesday i have to give a presentation about Karl Landsteiner (aka that guy who discovered blood types) in my speech class. also, i have a quiz tomorrow in chemistry and i have my oral part of my spanish final. that's the worst part. i can't even speak english let alone spanish. estoy muy nerviosa para lo.


i am so excited for tomorrow though and for the christmas party!!! I can't wait to get my dress back!! :)


well, i am really going to get things done tonight, mostly cause i got a ton done for work so far. anyway, i should probably be productive now. goodbye!!!

<(")
 '(   )'
    "

so cute :)

"o´¯`❄.¸(░) `O.¸¸.¸. o´¯`❄. ¸(░) `O. ❄。 ¨¯`*✲ ´*。. ❄¨¯`*✲。 ❄*´*。 ✲O. ¸¸. ¸. o´¯`o. ¸ (░) `O. ¸¸.✲. ¸. o´¯`¸. o´¯`❄¸ (░) `O. ¸¸. ¸.✲´¯`o. ¸ (░) `O. ¸❄。 `O. ¸¸. ¸. o´¯`❄。 ¨¯`*✲.... ¸. o´¯`o. ¸ (░) `O. ¸¸. ¸. o´¯`❄. ¸ (░) ´......*。 ✲´*。. ❄¨¯`*✲。 ❄.....

SNOWBALL FIGHT!!!!

if you are reading this, don't worry. i am 99% sure it's not about you

what happened? where did we go wrong? i saw you today and you acted like we were mere aquaintances!! like seriously, where did this whole thing go awry??? we had big plans, and now the two and two have gone their separate ways-ish. i don't understand. with that said, i'm not sure i wish it would have worked out the way we planned. i can't handle that all the time.

on an entirely different note, i am so happy. i can't wait and i am so excited. :) though, i am still not going to tell you. not yet anyways.

so that's what happens, huh? i open my big mouth and it doesn't hurt anyone, but me. i am so stupid!!!! gr. i wish my brain didn't work like that, sometimes. others, i'm glad it does cause i don't have to study for tests a whole lot which is fortunate. i don't know why i said that, so don't ask! lol ;D

well, on to bigger and better things. i went to hilcrest today and mrs r is going to alter my dress for the christmas party!!!! YAY!! I was afraid that it wouldn't work.... the dress is really cute. it's a short sleeved dress. it was floorlength, but that's what she's changing, with some other things. anyway, it has an empire waist and above the waist it is made of a velvety black fabric with silver sparklies on it and below the waist is silky black and it will be just below the knee :) i'm so excited! ! ! ! ! !

imagine this dress with sparklies in the top and shorter and not on this skinny dope lol ;) jk

well, i have some documents to redesign for work. so best get to it!

you are

so adorable. :) I am so happy about that right now. I have come to the conclusion to not tell you yet though cause i just don't think you need to know. plus, i am not stupid.

anywho, hottie grandma is a goof ball and doesn't when to keep her fat mouth shut! in the store today, she opens her big mouth.

so civic orchestra got out early tonight, which was good :)

so this new pandora station is pretty awesome. it's playing the best music just at the right time :D so cool.

also, i think i know what i have to do.


well now, i am waiting for the stinking printer to print some cards for our ladies' lunch at Antioch saturday, so i guess i will get off now.

Here are a couple of cool Bible verses I found today.

"No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other." -Matthew 6:24

"So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets." -Matthew 7: 12

at first i felt bad. now i'm just ticked. leave me alone right now while i go look for my composure and reason.

i am so thankful!!!

I am so thankful that we have no more labs!!!! YAY!!!!! i hate lab with a stinkin' passion. today all we are doing is reviewing for our final which i can totally handle. i just hate the lab. i don't know why...

so i started yet another new station on my pandora account. that makes ten. i have ten stations. the other day i made a christmas station and yesterday i started an Anberlin station. I had never heard them, but i think i like it. i think i will check out their cd's from the library after christmas. i have so many books i want to read before next semester it's not even funny. i am reading a book about cadavers right now. its super interesting and kind of funny. the author is Mary Roach and i like this book. if you are interested in that sort of thing. I also have a book checked out called skin, by Ted Dekker. I have read books by him before and they are amazing!!

Well, i have a bunch of projects looming over my head and i still need to get ready for school. also laundry is REALLY bad. my mom got really mad  yesterday cause it is flooding my closet. and she almost didn't let me go to applebees last night and then she was mad cause  i got home late. i dont think i will be going next week.
church last night was good. we studied Matthew 6. doing good works, but for the right reason. I don't think i do things for the world to see, but i might.

This other issue that is bothering me right now, is causing me to think a lot about God's will for me. I want to be really in tune with God and listen to everything he wants me to hear. This is causing me to think about fasting. I am really considering this, and I think it would be effective.

Well, i really need to be productive now, and get to work on these projects and homework. So ta ta for now!!! :D

time to get this over with!

i know that i am going to have a hard time resisting blogging during the next few hours when i am doing homework, so why not get it out of the way first? Well, not much is going on here today. I had a relatively good day, except for the fact that my speech class was canelled thirty minutes before class and i could have came home two hours earlier! oh well, i did get a lot of homework done. which i need to get to right now. eh...

in other news, i am supposed to be writing a speech about an object that epitomizes American culture. i have a few things in mind; public libraries, soap operas, or pandora. I think that the library or pandora one would be the best. probably the library. it would be the easiest. i don't know. i need to get on that soon, though....

again, in other news, my stupid christmas party was changed to friday. this means that if we have a visitation, i will have to work or i get an evening off!!! Yay! a day i don't have to ask off. and this lady i work with is covering for me on christmas day! :D so i am getting the days off i wanted! i like that!

Well, i guess now is the time to do homework. oh boy, oh boy, oh boy! :)


Here is a cute little penguin in honor of the first day of december!!
<(")