reflections....

so I have been think a lot lately about death. i know. it's morbid. but hey, i work at a funeral home! we had a visitation tonight for some guy who was eighteen, but younger than me. it really bothered me, which doesn't normally happen, but i just got really broken up about it. i don't know why. it helped me realize though that death is just a part of life. that no one is exempt from it. right now, we seem invincible, but one wrong move, and poof! it's really not fair. it's not fair that this young man had to die and that i get to live or that old people who are like vegetables get to live while other older people are active and have close families have to die. death shows no mercy, but God does. I had started thinking about if i died, who would come to my funeral? would the funeral home be packed? or would it be a small occassion with the ones who loved me most? i have just thought a lot about this. so it leads me to think about all the people i have encountered in my life. what were there impressions of me? how did i act around them? and did i give them a reason to want to pay "respects" to me after death?

this also got me to think about life as borrowed. why are we here? it certainly isn't for our enjoyment. i would take heaven over earth any day. my life is not my own, but it is given to me by God. God has given me life, and eternal life so that earth is not the only thing i have to live for. thank the Lord!!! so this leads you to say, "well, if my life is God's, shouldn't God have a say in everything i do? " YES! God should completely rule my life. i am really working hard on this... I have struggled for some great time now with the concept of being single. well, i went throught the whole, "woe is me, im ugly, nobody loves me" phase. this is when my family made a great point. god made you for you. by telling yourself your ugly or unlovable, you are bashing god's creation! this surely is a blasphemy! so i have to ask, if you believe you are not good enough,  why? Why are you questioning God and his creation? he certainly knew what he was doing when he formed you. he formed your lungs to breathe, your eyes to see, and most of all your heart to love. not only to love him, but also, his creation (AKA you)  :) this is another reason we should not speak bad about others. they are also God's creations and deserve to be treated so. I struggle with that too.

I'm getting pretty deep, but one more thing. I recieved a really awesome text message today reading:
"To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did." When God takes something from your grasp, he's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to recieve something better. Concentrate on this sentence. The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you."

It was one of those forwarded messages that said like send to twelve people and you will see some sort of result. I don't normally forward messages, but this one was pretty cool. I really like the sentence, " the will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you." It was pretty powerful. So i translated it this way. If we truly follow God's plan for us, we will never have to worry about getting into trouble or having regrets. Also, I see this as a confirmation of my newfound policy of consulting God in all desicions. Like the Bible say, "Delight in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." :D

I don't have anything else to say right now, but just pray that I can make the right desicions in the near future. I would appreciate it!

I don't ever want to hear those words

come out of your mouth ever again (or typed)!!!


You are the most beautiful person I know and I love you and so does Jesus!!! And I could name a butt load of other people, but that would be the entire post cause there are so many people!!!!

I'm done. :) you get the point.

On a different note: i got a TON of Christmas things done and I have a GREAT week ahead of me.

On another different note: I really really really want to tell you something, but I am afraid of your reaction. I'm not afraid that you will be mad or upset. Maybe what I'm really afraid of is your acceptance.....You've heard of fear of rejection, but this just might be fear of acceptance. Hmmm. I always have been the odd ball lol :)

My talk with Amanda really helped and she gave me some really good advice. I think I am going to take that advice right now and go read some of the good 'ole Word of God! And while I'm at it, maybe talk to Him myself! :D I am so thankful for my relationship with Christ! I probably, in all seriousness, would have killed myself by now if it hadn't been for Him. There have been so many rocky times in my life, but He has always remained steadfast. :D I hope that my words may have helped a little!!!!


<(")

here again.

as in work. I have spent the last three and a half hours making a dang dvd for a visitation next wednesday. it took me forever and it didn't really hit me until i made the menu for the dvd. the guy's birthday was July 15, 1992. He was younger than me. That really bothered me. This whole thing is now. I knew that the family had tried to send me the pictures from facebook so i knew the kid had a facebook, so i looked him up. it was tragic. all his friends were commenting on his wall and it was just heart-wrenching. he had gone to glendale and i even had a friend in common with him. i just started crying then. how is it that somone so young could pass away. i don't know the story or the cause of death, but i know that this guy was too young to die. i have to work the dang visitation too. well i better "get back to work" but i just had to let this out.

going nuts

is what i do best. I cannot get myself to do anything productive and it's annoying. I need to do things, but I have no ambition to. gr. All I have been doing is looking up stupid quotes. Oh well.

So I am feeling much better about the whole dress thing. I found a very pretty dress but it needs to be altered. I would like Mrs. R from Hillcrest to do it, so I will go talk to her next week. Also, I have been thinking a lot about my emotional break down. I also have a new perspective of the subject now after reading this quote; "Success in marriage is much more than finding the right person, it is a matter of being the right person." I guess I always expected the "perfect guy" to just show up and everything else would just work out perfectly.... guess not. I think instead of focusing on finding the right person, i need to focus on myself right now. It's all i can do. I can't change anybody or force them to love me. I can only pray that God makes me the "right" person for someone else. When you think of it that way, it takes the focus off of yourself. i sometimes only think about how my life will be once i've found that person, how i will feel when i find them, or how i feel not knowing them now and how i want to be in a relationship. Well, when I think about it, this anonymous future husband is probably thinking the same thing and I want to be everything he has hoped for and prayed for. So tonight I am praying not for me to find that right person, but for God to prepare my heart and mind and thoughts and character to be just the person that my future husband is waiting for.


<3

well, I can only wonder who that was about???

hmmm. not too hard to figure it out. you should really try to be more subtle!

well, today i had a complete and total emotional break down. I went shopping with my mom to find a dress for my company christmas party and i didn't find anything, anywhere. I was so sick of trying on stupid dresses that looked hideous and were too short and by the end of the day i was just ready to cross my name off the guest list. This wretched dress shopping made me so mad and i was so frustrated. All I wanted to do was look nice for my company christmas party and have a good time with ryan and my grandparents. Now I am just so distressed and I was really just going to call ryan and tell him i wasn't going. UGH! I don't even know why i got so upset, but it just makes everything worse. The more I thought about it, the more I thought about how no one will ever want to be with me. Not just like in close proximity, but like married. I sometimes feel like i am terminally single. I hate this feeling and I just want it to go away.

Well today I am at work. It's pretty dead around here lol :) pun intended!

So I just got back from lunch and was contemplating the things I am thankful for, so here goes.


1) I am thankful for coupons!!! I saved $2.50 on my lunch today! :D I love saving money!

2) I am thankful for my father's car. My car has been leaking antifreeze and I am still able to go cause I can drive my dad's Blazer. It's nice to have that back up plan.

3) Lastly, I am thankful for books. This day would never end if it weren't for my book.


I guess I will get back to work lol :)