today is just a concerning/slightly depressing day. i don't know if it was the weather or what, but i ws tired, emotional and over dramatic, but maybe for a good reason. there have been a couple of things on my mind lately that i just can't get out of my head.
first, i am uber sad that the Jeremy Larson show is over. i know this is silly, but i am. it was a great night and i miss working with him. oh well, though. i will see him again. hopefully soon cause i am thinking about going to red velvet maybe friday or something. who knows?
second, "this" whole situation is so disconcerting. i feel myself being pulled in different directions. such as being a good friend and always being there for that friend, or hoping that "it" does come to a bad end even though ultimately it's what's best for you. she's not worth the pain she's causing you. i hate to see that hopeless look when you think you have done something terribly wrong, when in reality she is the one who has done you wrong. i don't think this is how relationships are supposed to go. you should be happy all the time, and be able to be yourself around her, which you're not. you don't know what happiness being in a relationship is, because i don't think you've experienced it yet. i'm purely speaking out of observation here, and not experience. but still, i am older and "wiser" (HA!) and i can see that all she is going to do is hurt you. no matter how it ends, you will be the one that gets hurt and it breaks my heart. cause you're one of my best friends. not to mention that i had to go and complicate the whole stupid thing with my "feelings" (sorry about the liberal use of quotes in this post) sometimes my feelings get the best of me, but sometimes i just feel like it's right, ya know? like we would make a good team, maybe. i don't know. to me it seems kinda perfect. our lives would be perfect and planned out just right. i really can't see it any other way, but even if it doesn't work out i know that i want you to be a big part of my life, and i hope that you would at least want that too. i am just really confused right now about everything that's happening and i just pray that you follow God's will in your life, and not your own, because even though it may have been His will from the start, i don't think it is now, and i think you see that. please don't believe that this is going to be the end for you and your relational life. you are such an amazing person. you're thoughtful, caring and funny and she doesn't even know what she has. if you do happen to come across this, please know that i will always be there for you no matter what and i'm always praying for you. your family has been like a second family to me and i couldn't ask for better friends, so it's the least i can do.
i'm so sorry if you read that whole thing and are completely clueless. i had to get my feelings out somehow and when i am talking they just get botched by the words "like", "i don't know" and "yeah"..... i am so bad at talking about feelings, but it's good to get it out there. anyway, i think i am just an emotional wreck tonight. maybe a good night's sleep will do me good. i can sleep in tomorrow so.....
goodnight internet world. i will be seeing you again soon!! :D
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