so i hate when i think one thing and then after a lot of consideration i change my opinion. i hate doing that 'cause then i seem like a wishy washy person who always just says whatever i know that person wants to hear. i hate people like that. i don't want to be that way. i want to have my own thoughts and my own opinions and be able uphold those opinions. for the most part i dont really do that i don't think, but on this one thing i have. and it's kind of important.
yesterday was pretty lovely :) i got out of school at 11:30 and my mom and i went and had some lunch (well, i did, cause she had already eaten) and then STARBUCKS!!! i hadn't had it in FOREVER!!! it was delightful. then when i got home i caught up on Days of Our Lives. It was quite intense!!! After that I was home by myself cause my mom had to go to work, so i got a blanket and laid outside in the beautiful sunshine and listened to music. it was the most relaxing thing i have done in my life. it was warm and gorgeous. when my mom came back home i came in and had togo to my random 5:30 class, which is going really well. we are actually going to be performing in a couple of weeks. then i went to church. that's where things just started going downhill a little. not much, but a little. i don't know what's going on inside my head lately, but i am just sick of some things. like not being able to practice! i just don't think i should play for a while. except i just had an epiphany.
i went for a few months not getting anything out of playing for the praise band. i was actually kind of miserable. don't ask me why, 'cause i don't know. i just wasn't getting everything out of it htat i should have. i felt more like i was enabling others to worship and forgetting that i needed to as well. so a couple of weeks ago i played and it was glorious. i was able to sing and play and forget the rest of the room and just get lost in playing music for my God. it was incredible. but it only lasted a couple of weeks. last week things were ok, but then i couldn't remember anything in the music. but so many times i hear preachers say that everything is going to be fine and dandy when you're not serving God, but once you start, the devil starts attacking you. i think that's exactly what happened. i was finally in the right place spiritually to serve God in that area, and then BOOM! stupid feelings that i didn't even understand started making me doubt even my ability to play. sometimes i am so unsure of myself and self-conscious, in playing at least. it's kind of wierd, cause normally i do not even get nervous playing in front of people, but i do sometimes at church. drew is always there to reassure me though. he is really great. i am so glad that we are friends. it's so funny. i remember freshman year he was in my geometry class and he was terrible. now he is one of those people that i really look up to spiritually. i never would have known. but of course i never would have known that i would be best friends with karasyn when in kindergarten we absolutely hated each other. it's wierd where life takes you and looking back you just wonder, how did i get here?? i mean really. ii wonder that a lot. like how in the world did i get to be in college. it seems like just yesterday i was in middle school. i am not quite sure where the time has gone, but i know that i am really happy with life. i really couldn't be happier. i have had some rough days this week, but i trust that everything will work out just fine. :)
well, i have wretched chemistry lab in an hour so i better go get ready. ICK!!! wish me luck with that! i am going to need it!!! hehe
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