so alone

sometimes i just feel so alone.

i feel like nobody wants to be with me. even my family.
i don't know what's up with that. i think that i might be depressed. i don't want to sound like a stupid emo kid, but i really do sometimes think i am despressed. like clinical depression. i just can't seem to express myself. i know that i am extremely blessed and all, but i lately i just can't seem to get rid of this sadness.

i feel like i'm nobody's first choice. nobody really cares what i do. my mom makes her own plans and i always consult her about what i do, cause i never want her to feel like i ditch her, but she never lets me know what shes doing . like tonight. i worked during the day so i could have this evening off. and she has this little party thing for her sunday school class. well, i'm stuck at home by myself.

also, i just feel like nobody ever just wants to hang out with me. i can never hang out on the weekends cause i work, and even if i could i would probably be in the same position i am in right now, cause i hardly ever get asked to hang out. maybe like twice. ever.

even the people i work with notice that something's up. the past two weeks lily has asked me what's been wrong with me lately and even i don't know. im just not happy. and i don't know why.

i just want to be wanted. i just want to be the person someone always thinks about. the person someone pursues. i feel really bad for feeling this way cause the lord has blessed me with some really great friends, but i just don't see myself in anyone's future. i don't see anyone caring about my plans for the future or even wanting to be a part of them. this makes me feel absolutely awful.

i haven't felt like doing anything lately. i don't want to go to school. i don't want to go to work. i don't want to do things around the house. i just want to be a hermit and i even feel discontent at that. i feel alone and useless. i can't find happiness anymore and it irks me that i don't know why. i am sorry that this has been a huge pity fest, but i am concerned about why i can't figure out why am feeling this way. and it's pretty sad that the only people who notice it are the people i work with. i really do feel like that quote that " i want to be remembered as the girl who could always brighten up someones day, even when she couldn't brighten up her own."

sometimes i just feel like nobody cares.
sometimes i just feel so alone.